you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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