I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
