I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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