Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
