Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
