i love accidental penises.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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