The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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