TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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