I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
