apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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