have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
