I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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