i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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