Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
