She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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