Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
