There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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