Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
whose parrot is this?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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