Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
