Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
