Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
