So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
