So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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