i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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