My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think my moral compass just broke
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
