I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
