we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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