Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
