so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
