I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You're like the curious george of whores
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize