when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
