A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
