i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
