God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i love accidental penises.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
