gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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