Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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