I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
