My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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