in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
