You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They took my balls.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
