I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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