So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
