Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i was born a porn star she said
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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