Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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