we have officially lost it.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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