Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
