laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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