then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
