I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
