she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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