textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize