Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
