I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
