I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
