What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
