how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
why is half of my head shaved?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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